Once you begin to open yourself up to saving your marriage after an affair, you want reassurance that you are not going to leave yourself vulnerable for no good reason. You want to know that there is a good chance that this risk to your heart is all going to be worth it in the end because your spouse is going to work hard to ensure that you're not going to be hurt again. sharekalomre.com You want some assurance that your marriage will emerge even better so that your risk and hard work was justified.
In order to have these beliefs, it
helps when you have a spouse who is firmly on board and who is every bit as
committed to your marriage as you are. When this doesn't appear to happen, it
can leave you wondering if the risk is worth it.
A wife might be in this type of
situation: "the day after I found out my husband was cheating on me, he came
to my work and would not leave until I agreed to give him five minutes of my
time. I didn't even want to talk to him, but I was embarrassed that he was at
my job, so I just wanted to get him out of there. So we went the coffee shop
down the street and I gave him precisely five minutes. He went on and on about
how he could sharekalomre.com
Review not live without me and how much he was praying that I would
not leave or divorce him. I took several weeks to make up my mind, but I
finally decided that I wasn't going to let this marriage go without a fight. So
I told him that I would commit to trying to make it work. I thought that was
what he wanted because he represented the same to me. Well, things have not
gone so smoothly. Although I want it to work, it is difficult. There are days
when I am very angry. Yesterday was one of those days. My husband and I got
into an argument and I told him that I wasn't sure why he was acting this way when
he was the one begging me not to leave him or to end the marriage. I told him
that commitment to the marriage means not complaining when things get rough. He
told me that he's now not sure about the marriage. He would rather take a 'wait
and see' approach now. He said if things improve, then maybe our marriage was
meant to be. If not, then maybe we should just go our separate ways. I am
appalled by this and I feel like he mislead me. He acted like he was committed,
but then when I committed sharekalomre also and
it wasn't smooth sailing, he started balking. I feel like there is no way to
work things out now with him just sitting back and watching."
I understand your frustration.
You're worried that he's not going to put in any effort. And, without this
effort, things may never work. I am certainly no expert, but it looks like you
have a couple of things which must be overcome in order to get back on track.
First, it may help if your attempt at recovery has more of a forward direction.
And I don't mean that you can never get angry or that you have to pretend that
you're healing when you're not. I mean that often, when we try to fix our
marriage after an affair, we do the best we can, but we aren't experts and so
we just sort of wander and we have good days and bad days. But we don't really
make any progress because there is truly no plan. We don't know how to move
ourselves forward, so both people get discouraged.
The second obstacle is that your
husband is now balking at giving you a firm commitment to a certain period of
time. I have a suggestion which might help you overcome both obstacles. And
that would be to try to get your husband to commit to a set time of counseling.
Please hear me out. I know that counseling does not seem great to many people,
but if you can get your husband to agree to say, a handful of sessions, that
will at least buy you some time where you know that you will have his attention
and his cooperation. And by seeking a professional's guidance, you have a much
greater chance of moving forward and being productive in your recovery.
When people see progress, then they
are much more likely to be willing to stay and to commit. This strategy gives
you a much higher likelihood of his repeated and enthusiastic cooperation,
which gives you a much higher likelihood of success.
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