Sometimes, when you are not the faithful spouse, you think that forgiveness is easy to come by. Friends, family, and even the cheating spouse can all think that if the faithful spouse can just find it in her heart to forgive, then everyone can move on.
Many people think that forgiveness
is just words. Just little words that can begin the process of healing. And so
they pressure the faithful spouse to offer this to make things easier for all
involved. sharekalomre.com As a
result, eventually, the faithful spouse starts to think that perhaps
forgiveness is a small price to pay to have her life and her husband back. She
thinks that it's a small price to pay for things to feel normal again.
And so she offers it. And she
assumes that her husband will be grateful and relieved. Following this relief,
she assumes that he is going to be so relieved that he becomes the husband that
she deserves. She assumes that he's going to be loving and supportive. sharekalomre.com
Review Unfortunately, this isn't always what happens. Sometimes, after
forgiveness, the husband becomes resentful, distant, and even a little unkind.
A wife might explain it this way.
"I did not speak to my husband for weeks after I found out that he was
cheating. I wanted nothing to do with him. I would not take his calls. I even
distanced myself from his family. He refused to give up, though. When I
wouldn't take his calls, he would send me letters. He would email me - anything
to communicate - and ask me to meet him in person. Finally, he wore me down a
little and I started talking to him. We became friends again first and
eventually, we started back in a relationship. Throughout this entire time, my
husband was charming, sweet, and kind. I thought that if I ever entertained the
idea of allowing my marriage to get back on track, this was the man that I was
going to get in return. Eventually, as we began to invest in our marriage
again, he asked me to forgive him. I told him that I was going to need some
time and he agreed to give it to me. Slowly, I entertained the thought and
eventually, I gave in. I did tell him that I forgave him. And once I did, it
was as if a switch sharekalomre had been
flipped. He was no longer sweet. He became sarcastic toward me and distant. It
was almost like once he got what he wanted, he turned on me. I'm so
disappointed. I was sure that once I forgave him, I'd have that sweet, patient
man and we'd try to fix our marriage. Instead, I have a man who seems mean and
mad at me for giving him what he said he wanted. Why is he acting this
way?"
I know that this isn't pleasant,
but it isn't all that uncommon. I have some theories as to why it happens. But
of course, the most qualified person to tell you why it is happening is your
husband himself or a qualified therapist. From what I've seen, this behavior
doesn't always last. And I suspect that this could be your husband's way of
trying to balance the perceived power.
I'm not saying that he is correct
in his assumptions. But, in this situation, many men feel that they have to
"grovel" to get your forgiveness. They lay on the charm because they
have a goal in mind. And even though they do the very best that they can, many
wives make them work long and hard before they offer the forgiveness. This is
understandable. I did the same. I was not going to forgive my husband until he
showed me that it was safe to do so and that he was worthy of my forgiveness.
But the men in this situation can feel a little resentful of having to work so hard
to get in your good graces again. They can feel like they've had to give you
all of the power in the marriage.
So when they finally get your
forgiveness, they can feel as if they want to take a little bit of that power
back. Or perhaps that want to show you how it feels to work so hard for
someone's love and have that same person be cold and reluctant. They may not
even be aware that they are doing this and it may not even be their intention.
But it happens as a result of working for your forgiveness for so long.
Sometimes, you don't have to do
anything because this treatment is short-lived and it ends on its own. If it
doesn't, sometimes, having an honest conversation about it helps. You might try
something like: "I can't help but notice that once I forgave you, your
attitude toward me changed. The sweet, patient guy who was working so hard to
gain my trust is gone. And he's been replaced by someone who is not nearly as
kind. I liked the kind version. And that is what I thought I'd get once I
forgave you. But that hasn't been the reality. I know that I made you wait a
while before I could forgive. But I wanted to be sure that I could honestly
offer my forgiveness. However, I offered it to the sweet man who was patient
with me, not the one who is being unkind now. I need to see the person you were
before or I am going to feel as if I've been fooled. I know that you may feel
some anger that I made you wait so long, but anger isn't going to help us. We
both need to be kind to one another moving forward so that our marriage is the
loving and nurturing one that we both want."
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